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SUNDAY MUSINGS BY MOBOLAJI E. ALUKO, PH.D.
Nigeria's Sociological and Linguistic
Idiosyncrasies and Peccadilloes - A Potpourri
July 15, 2007
Introduction I have been meaning to write this essay long before now – but now I have just gotten around to doing so. Maybe I should have written that "I have meant to write this essay…" – but who cares?
Stakeholders If you spend only one day in Nigeria, and watch the TV news, or listen to the radio, or read the newspapers, you are BOUND to hear or read the word "Stakeholders" at least ten times. This is by far the most abused word in Nigeria, and is meant to refer to all of those who the subject or policy at hand is expected to impact. However, the way it is used, it is clear to me that the words really refer to the activist "advocates" OF those people, rather than to the people themselves. Too many people in Nigeria are disconnected from the system to be considered stakeholders, particularly when their votes don't count – that is, when they are allowed to vote at all. I do see a lot of people holding stakes in Nigeria – to deploy on those shafting them?
Development Partners Closely following stakeholders are the words "Development Partners" - which means governments and funding agencies in the EU, the US, Canada, Japan, but NEVER Nigeria. It is these "development partners" who determine what should be important to us and how we should spend the money given to us. Our own money that we should spend on ourselves is usually deferred to these development partners - thereby subordinating ourselves to them - while we "chop" our own money. We will even sometimes take money from tiny Lichtenstein rather than spend our own money. I see no evidence that "development partners" have ever taken a Third World country to becoming First World - or have you?
Gender Sensitivity If you want to improve your funding chances from development partners, you must include a gender component in identifying your stakeholders. Otherwise, you stand little chance. And if you also want don't want to be grilled by the Senate when nominated to be a minister, be or become a woman. Better yet if you are a widow with four children to look after….a sure banker for Ministry of Women Development or Ministry of Youth Development. Widowers don't seem to count before the
Senate. Private-Public Partnership (PPP) Very good idea gone awry - government should not have to do "everything everytime". But this was the Obasanjo administration's simplistic mantra – ad nauseum – by which it too often REALLY meant that government should get out of the business that it should constitutionally be in: provision of critical infrastructure, basic education, etc. In general, it is sold as a midway between outright government ownership and outright privatization. The Yar'Adua administration has started it again o…but we shall see.
"All protocols observed..." Go to any banquet, and the phraseology "all protocols observed" is either to AVOID recognizing by name ANY of the dignitaries present in the room, or else to truncate by a few names the hundred people that you have already named. "Your Excellency Mr. President Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces, GCFR; Your Excellency, Governor Senator Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu, Executive Governor of Lagos State.......(and ten minutes later).....all protocols observed." "All protocols observed…" never fails to draw an appreciative chorus, because it spells relief from an otherwise boring listing.
"Represented by....represented by...." Perhaps the greatest 4-1-9 perpetrated in Nigeria is the lack of truth-in-advertising concerning who will be present at a function. "The function will be opened by his Excellency, President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria...." is the blazing announcement or advertisement on radio, TV and in the newspaper. Indeed it often appears that he has agreed that his name should be used in the adverts - to draw a crowd - but he never intended for one day to attend the function because he was already scheduled to be in New Zealand. Sometimes after a two-hour late start to the function when we are told (in between cracking of ethnic jokes by BasketMouth) that "The President is on his way", another person, clearly NOT the President, comes in to read his speech: "My name is Baba Ahmed, Deputy Permanent Secretary in the Culture and Tourism Ministry. I am here to represent Mama Ahmed, Permanent Secretary, who was called away to Damaturu on an urgent matter of state. She was supposed to represent the Vice-President Uncle Ahmed, who had been asked to represent him by the President Brother Ahmed, who was called away to New Zealand on an urgent matter of international importance in the last minute." Honestly, I hear it all the time in Nigeria. Lies, all lies.
"The Nigerian people have been admonished…."
We are a nation of "admonishers." A known rigger of elections, addressing a group of students, admonishes them not to cheat in exams. A state governor who is strongly suspected to be a crook – I hate to say "known to be a crook" – admonishes state workers to "work hard…I will DEAL with anybody caught misappropriating state property…" – which means that the fault is in being caught. But bishops and alhajis and others do rightly admonish – but there is much admonition to go round.
"Ordinarily, the accusation would have been ignored...." To those of us who live abroad and read Nigeria's newspapers, what is missing - and what I read voraciously when physically in Nigeria - are the advertorials by the communities defending themselves or espousing a cause, or supporting their "sons" and "daughters" over some denied government appointment. Invariably, you find sentences that read as follows: "Our attention has been drawn to the accusations by Ogbuefi Nwankwo over the nomination of our eminent son, Igwe Okeke of Abagana, for position of minister in the Federal Republic. Ordinarily, we would have ignored the accusations as the ranting of an ant, but because a lie repeated often tends to be believed, we the undersigned, hereby present the facts about the Igwe.....Our silence so far may also be confused for weakness…." Then a full N220,000 page advert is used
to explain what they would not ordinarily have done. "...Leave our son alone." it usually ends. "Nobody has the monopoly on violence." Is that an open threat or what? "You are not 'on the
ground'….you think this is America?" Again, for those of us living in the Diaspora visiting home, how many times have you heard this, when you have provided the most illuminating points in a great debate about the Nigerian condition – or made a simple observation of the most annoying aberration in Nigerian society that ALMOST all Nigerians INSIDE NIGERIA also make? An attempt to shut you down is commenced with "Bo, you are not on the ground – you think this is America?" Is it the flawed election you complain about? "Sebi America too has problems? Look at Florida and Bush ke! Bo, we like it like that – we dey manage am! Rome was not built in a day. We are on a learning process – we are just 50 years old, but America is 2000 years old!" You just shake your head and move on. Of course, some of us over-do it too: "Men, this is crazy men!" – while wearing a ten-gallon hat and sporting a tea-shirt emblazoned "Texas Cowboys."
"Make government hep us...."' Following a flood - or one of those fire hazards that engulf who villages when a petrol spill is to be scooped for gain - TV camera crews often go around to interview the living victims. "We dey suffer for here o...may government come help us for here o!" is usually the cry of the villagers, often a woman or two with a child feeding on her open breast, but who KNOW what government responsibility is, but who always PLEAD that it does what it is supposed to do. No PPP welcome here….
"The death has been announced...." This has to do only with NTA or AIT - on national news or even international news. "The death has been announced of Madame Deborah Akintunde of Idoani, Ondo State, at age 90..." - and you start to wonder who this dead Madame is. "…She is survived by 20 children, including Mr. Olufemi Akintunde, the cameramen of NTA, Makurdi"....and then you see the connection. It is almost invariably a lowly NTA personnel's relation that is so announced. That is always the clincher. Morale booster in the workplace, I guess.
Consonants at the end of words that end with vowel sounds Only in the past five years have I noticed this in Nigeria, even at high levels: "The MINISTER-L of Health has said that all people who suspect that they have CANCER-L should report at the nearest hospital..." It is particularly bad with secondary school and university students. Most annoying, this idiosyncracy.
Wrong pronounciation of too many words. "Diagnose" becomes "dia-ga-noze"; "develop" (dee-veh-lop) becomes "day-vay-lope"; "acquiesce" becomes really murdered as "acquiasacez" - and so on. There are SO MANY WORDS mispronounced in Nigerian officialdom - and even by TV announcers (NTA - but not on Channels TV) that I cannot even itemize all of them. Yoruba, Igbo and Northern announcers in particular have their own peccadilloes of such mispronunciations. I do not claim to know how to pronounce all English words or know where to put the correct stresses and intonations, but I TRY always to listen to how the SPEAKERS of the language say syllables - not just pronounce them as if speaking Igbo, Yoruba, Hausa - or Angas, just to toss in a minority group. The more syllables there are, and/or the more the close juxtaposition of consonants, the more you should ask "How is this word pronounced?" and not just go and loudly embarrass yourself in public. When I hear an important person crucify a
word in public, I just lose interest instantly. I always ask myself:
hasn't he heard this word before, or read how it is pronounced from
a dictionary with pronunciation guide? Atrocious tenses "The People of Nigeria wants it…" These kinds of statements are made EVEN IN OUR LEGISTLATIVE HOUSES by many of our legislators – heard them during the recent screening of ministers. And I borrow two ear-grating examples from Tola Adeniyi's recent article in The Nation titled, " 'On his kneels' and other terminological inexactitudes: Another revisit". Her examples: "Does his silence means acceptance?" "But does your not being a member of the Nigerian Society of Engineers (NSE) makes you less an engineer?" Notice the word "kneel" in "On his
kneels…" It is basically a mispronunciation based on that annoying extra L
added to a word that ends with a vowel sound. Tamodu "Floors" Lagbaja This is popular press language. Tamodu never simply "defeats" Lagbaja or wins over him: he FLOORS Lagbaja. "Atiku Floors Code of Conduct Bureau" "Atiku floors Obasanjo. Atiku remains VP – Court of Appeal…" "Obasanjo floors Gani in Court over Presidential Library." During the months leading up to the April
2007 elections, the political wrestling match between Obasanjo and Atiku
always had the latter "flooring" the former in the Nigerian press. Carrying your own bag Obviously, if you are a big man or woman in Nigeria – a truly big man or woman – then you are NOT supposed to carry your own bag. Never! You must NEVER be seen carrying your own bag – otherwise you are NOT really a "big man." The SPEED with which people – male and female - rush to carry your bag for you – and INSIST on it - is ridiculous. I hate to think that it is for a financial consideration. Is it RESPECT for age? I have seen OLDER PEOPLE rush to carry my bag. You must never also be seen opening your own door to your own car. Never There you have it.
"By the grace of God…Insha
Allah" Nigeria must be the most religious country on Earth, Nigerians the most religious people. Even government meetings and banquets are opened and closed with prayers – first in Christian prayer, then in a Muslim prayer, the order un-important. The other day, I attended such a ministerial committee meeting, and my "American partner" and I looked at each other in amusement – imagining such a meeting at a the US State Department. A Commissioner of Police was asked whether a criminal would be caught, and he said "By God's grace…" – probably not by the investigative powers of his "police commission", so that God can be blamed if the culprit is never caught. I watched on TV the head of our Space Agency return to his office (?) after the successful launch of NigComSat-1 – to "songs of praise" and heavy clapping and spirit-filled dancing. "A very big God o, Is always by my side, A very big God o Is always by my side..." Christian that I am, I still shook my head and scratched it over the matter. The corruption in our country would be un-imaginable if we were less religious.
Use of public money in the media to praise public officials. I have written about this before and I do so again to end this essay: the Minister turns Fifty, and his Ministry takes a full page advert to congratulate him. Who pays for this expensive advert? A regulator – of banks, or drugs, etc. – turns Fifty and he or she accepts a Mercedes Benz or BMW from a Committee of Banks or Pharmaceutical Association – no conflict of interest considered. A half-hour TV program lauds the humility and hard-work of the director of a paramilitary parastatal in the country – who pays? A Permanent Secretary writes a book on his uneventful life, and his Ministry buys 1000 copies of the book for N1000 each – on whose account? I am sure that if, God forbid, his mother dies, there is a "security vote" that can be used to ease her entry into heaven. Lord have mercy on us for these financial leakages.
Epilogue There are other idiosyncracies in
Nigeria's lingo and sociological landscape – but not many more.
Let me know those that I have omitted. Maybe this one: "Aluta continua, Victoria acerta" ? ___________________________________________________________________________
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