Executive Jokes for Plebeians

Executive Jokes for Plebeians

[PORT HARCOURT, Nigeria]

With A Little Help From Their Friends:

“Remember that, in the past, those who foolishly sought power by riding on the back of the tiger, ended up inside it”.

- US President John F. Kennedy.

Despite the immense wisdom of the advice of one-time US President John Fitzgerald Kennedy to all active tyrants worldwide about the pointlessness of authoritarian governance, almost very incumbent President of the United States of America appears to have a curious predilection for intimately seducing and cuddling with dictators that are specially chosen for their short-term utility: e.g. Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Laurent Kabila, Slobodan Milosevic, and the Shah of Iran

In 1953, a CIA-choreographed coup d’état in Iran installed a fabricated dynasty for a “Made in USA” monarch who they nicknamed, “the Shah of Iran”, very similar to the contraption called, “warrant chief” in post-Lugard Nigeria. A quarter of a century after the manufacture of the dynasty of the Shah of Iran, the Iranian Revolution, under the spiritual guidance of His Holiness, Ayatollah Khomeini, completely ridiculed that brilliant experiment in advanced diplomatic 419, in the oil-endowed sub-region of the Persian Gulf.

Once upon a time, there was this Pakistani general called Zia, who was such an unrepentant stooge, and a very strange bedfellow of the United States of America, that he was obsessed with an American-designed crusade for the final eradication of communism in Afghanistan, on behalf of the Pentagon. The United States of America supported General Zia, a certified tyrant, very well, and in return, they reaped a harvest of Taliban, and their guests, like Mujahideen Osama Bin Laden (OBL), and his boys. In October 1999, another Pakistani dictator, General Pervez Musharaff, seized power from a democratically elected government, and was at once declared an outcast by the international community. US President Bill Clinton refused even to be photographed with General Pervez Musharaff during his visit to Pakistan, post-coup d’état. Such is life: one man’s pariah is another man’s “paddy man”.

Ever since he decided to succumb to US President George W. Bush’s threats and arm-twisting at the start of the “War against Terrorism” (worldwide), General Musharaff (alias “Busharaff”, in diplomatic circles), has suddenly become the “beautiful bride”, the “sweet darling” of US President George W. Bush, and indeed, a most welcome ally of the White House crowd after the Shah of Iran, King Fahd of Saudi Arabia, General Pinochet of Chile, Brigadier Hussein of Jordan, General Zia of Pakistan, General Jonas Savimbi of Angola, General Ariel Sharon of Israel, General Mobutu of former Zaire, General Anwar Sadat of Egypt, or better still, General (Chief) Olusegun Aremu Mathew Obasanjo (GCFR; pss; fss) of Nigeria. Apparently, General Musharaff had a reward in mind. He expects US President George W. Bush to drop all demands for democratic reforms in Pakistan, in exchange for his solid, unadulterated, and fanatical support for the “War against Terrorism”, worldwide.

In August 2002, General Musharaff proclaimed his personal version of a “reform” package for Pakistan by simply injecting some “modifications” to that country’s constitution, just like the civilianising President of Nigeria, General (Chief) Olusegun Obasanjo (GCFR) once tried to do unsuccessfully, in surreptitious joint venture with Senate President Ayim Pius Ayim (GCON), and the Speaker of the Federal House of Representatives, Honourable Alhaji Ghali Umar Na’Abba. In essence, General Musharaff has, more or less, proclaimed himself the new Amayanabo of Pakistan, the Eze Gburugburu Ndi Pakistan, the Shehu of Pakistan, Kabiyesi Pakistan, the Sultan of Pakistani, or better still, the Shah of Pakistan, in one move.

General Pervez Musharaff made it abundantly clear that he had no need for the Pakistani legislature, just as his professional colleague, General Obasanjo, spent significant amounts of time, money, and effort, over the past three years, voluntarily forgetting the existence, or even the need for the legislative dimension of good governance in Nigeria. Suddenly, General Pervez Musharaff made major fundamental changes to the laws of Pakistan by giving a constitutional role to the Pakistani Armed Forces, and dramatically boosting his inordinate macho ego, with the magical powers to dissolve the National Assembly of Pakistan at minimum provocation, or by brainwave, or at his imperial pleasure, whichever comes first.

What stares Pakistan in the face today is a bizarre experiment in voodoo politics. General Pervez Musharaff has anointed himself President of Pakistan for the next five years, very much similar to what General Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida (GCFR; mni; pss; fss; dss) did in Nigeria, commandeering for himself the megalomaniac powers to dissolve the AFRC, or even derail a democratisation process with reckless abandon, or worse still, the powers to hire and fire at whim, both the Chairman of the Interim National Government, and the elected parliament, as General Sani Abacha (GCFR) did in 1993, in Nigeria. As far as General Musharaff is concerned, the Prime Minister of Pakistan would hold office at his personal pleasure. General Musharaff would also personally appoint regional governors, army generals, navy admirals, air force marshals, and judges of the Supreme Sharia Court of Pakistan, without the counsel, or assent of Pakistan’s democratically elected Parliament.

The Thrills & Dilemmas Of A Romantic Despot:

Meanwhile, on the one hand, US President George W. Bush is quick to declare that General Musharaff is still working “shoulder-to-shoulder” with the United States of America in its “War against Terrorism”, worldwide, particularly within the “Axis of Evil”. According to US President George W. Bush, what is important is that General Pervez Musharaff understands that the President of the United States of America, in his capacity as the Commander-in-Chief of the “War against Terrorism” (worldwide) has the task of keeping Al-Qaeda permanently on the run. Therefore, the White House really appreciates General Pervez Musharaff’s shining example of unalloyed support. On the other hand, the US State Department is expressing grave concern that General Musharaff's imperial promulgation could make it very difficult to build any meaningful and enduring democratic institutions in Pakistan.

That General Musharaff made those impudent pronouncements with the prior blessings of US President George W. Bush, is too obvious. Quite frankly, and to put it very mildly, the White House’s lackadaisical reaction to General Musharaff's self-perpetuation coup d’état of August 2002, is quite alarming, thoroughly embarrassing, disorienting, destabilising, and disgusting. In fact, it calls for a very robust reprimand from Washington DC to Islamabad, for General Pervez Musharaff’s latest insult on the collective intelligence of the good people of Pakistan, and an affront on their liberty. General Musharaff should be reminded that the United States of America would invoke very stiff sanctions, including travel restrictions or security red alerts, and the speedy re-calibration of US juicy financial support, in commensurate proportion to the progress of measurable democracy in Pakistan. It is quite clear that General Musharaff could not have done it without the secured assurance that US President George W. Bush would “endorse” the forthcoming elections in Pakistan in October 2002, already criticised for pre-election stage-management.

For years, the government of the United States of America has condoned anti-democratic behaviour by various pro-American civilian and military dictators across the world. Such overt duplicity has fanned predictable anti-American feelings and undisguised antagonism in Pakistan, even in countries like Yemen, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, and Egypt. The support that US President George W. Bush is giving to General Pervez Musharaff will inflame the anger of Pakistanis, who already resent the role of the United States of America in Afghanistan, and White House’s asphyxiating over-pressure on Pakistan to cut back support for Kashmiri guerrillas, including the suffocating omnipresence of the CIA in their country. Simply stated, General Musharaff’s unilateral constitutional “fiddling” is bad because it destroys the supremacy of the Pakistani Parliament. Furthermore, the impudence with which he intends to rule Pakistan legitimises and reinforces the benign perpetuation of malignant dictatorship in that poor country.

General Musharaff is trying too hard to please both the government of the United States of America, and the Pakistani religious elite. Unfortunately, he has no guts to defy either one of them. Daily, Pakistan is becoming more and more theocratic. General Musharaff's blind allegiance and assistance to the United States of America have enraged both the average Pakistani, and the much-dreaded Directorate of Military Intelligence of Pakistan. He has alienated the leading political parties in Pakistan by placing obstacles in their paths in the forthcoming elections.

Pakistan is a rather unstable nuclear-armed, poor, Commonwealth country, with some 140 million citizens. Pakistan is fast degenerating into institutionalised dictatorship, with a little help, and a massive amount of moral support from the United States of America. The grave yard-quality silence that has overwhelmed the White House since General Pervez Musharaff's rape of democracy in Pakistan is a sad indictment of the attitudes of US President George W. Bush towards the Third World in general. Leading political parties in Pakistan have rejected General Musharaff's constitutional “modifications”. Meanwhile, General Pervez Musharaff has apparently escaped four assassination attempts. There are constant fears that sympathizers of Al-Qaeda may assassinate him, at an “appropriate” time. Nowadays, General Pervez Musharaff moves only when surrounded by heavily armed bodyguards and decoy convoys, just like General Obasanjo of Nigeria. His security is very tight, just as General Obasanjo’s is, making him further distanced from the reality on the ground, of the country he rules. Perhaps it is his strange platonic romance with US President George W. Bush that fills General Pervez Musharaff with sufficient suicidal audacity and schizoid delusions of euphoria about his indestructibility, hence his bravado, riding roughshod on both the local and international political scene, like his fellow former military Head of State, and professional colleague, the incumbent President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

In Pakistan, the people still recall a mysterious C-130 Air Force plane crash in which General Zia was incinerated to ashes, while undertaking one of his several frivolous air travels and “economic investments” consultations with the White House. Every village idiot in Pakistan knows very well that the “mystery” was a CIA conspiracy. In other words, the vastly unpopular dictator, General Zia, had expended his short-lived utility to the United States of America, and so, his plane simply blew up! Good riddance to bad rubbish! (Up CIA!)

As a military dictator, his emotional and physical distance from the reality on the ground in Pakistan allows General Musharaff to make decisions that are inimical to his people, while he and his cabal of self-serving active and retired generals believe their hallucinations about the farce that they are acting in Pakistan’s best interest. General Musharaff would well be advised to pay heed to US President John F. Kennedy, who cautioned ambitious leaders against the futility of having a jolly ride on the back of a very hungry, but crafty tiger.

The “Butterfly-To-Caterpillar” Regression:

Funny enough, the United States of America also appears to have a disturbing link with the entrenchment of the on-going army-arranged “nascent” Presidency of Obasanjo, apparently specifically designed for their mutually agreed short-term benefit. Over three years after his coronation, the gory details of certain impeachable misadventures of General (Chief) Olusegun Obasanjo (GCFR), the democratically selected, re-installed, and re-packaged President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, have reduced his rather naive strategic arrangement with the United States of America in the “Axis of crude oil”, off-shore Nigeria, in the Gulf of Guinea, to a backfiring slow-motion nightmarish reality.

Once upon a time, in the 1990s, there was this Nigerian general called Sani Abacha, who was a bone in the throat of the President of the United States of America, who actively maligned his dictatorship, and in return, reaped the rewards of the state-sponsored terrorism that was visited on Nigeria and Nigerians, that led to the brutal cleansing of individuals and whole communities, particularly the sudden and mysterious liquidation of Mazi Sam G. Ikokwu, Major General Shehu Yar’Adua (GCON), Bashorun Alhaji Moshood K.O. Abiola (Aare Ona Kakanfo XIV), General Sani Abacha (GCFR), and the subsequent expedited unfolding of a strangely coincidental combination of resurrection, regurgitation, reformulation, transfiguration, re-cycling, and repackaging of His Excellency, General (Chief) Olusegun Obasanjo, direct from prison, straight into Aso Rock Villa, Abuja, as President, and Commander-in-Chief of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, sequel to a home-grown election process that was so free, and so fair, that it enabled him, a former military dictator, that was overtly prodded and co-opted into partisan politics by General Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida (GCFR), a discredited fellow ex-dictator in search of sustainable national relevance, and some of the most despicable human beings that ever inhabited Nigeria since prehistory, to emerge as the winner, despite the glaring deficits of his political clout, despite his anti-democratic, and authoritarian antecedents, despite the brazen ambush on democracy through the vulgar resort to money politics by his local and foreign backers, especially his fellow military politicians, despite the deliberate restriction of the 1999 Presidential elections to a strictly “South West only” contest and context, to the ultimate personal advantage of His Excellency, General (Chief) Olusegun Obasanjo (GCFR; pss; fss). Glory be God Almighty, most high! Wonders shall never end.

On 29 May 1999, General Olusegun Obasanjo, a former Nigerian military despot, who was earlier the number two man of a conspiratorial gang of idle rich ex-Nigeria-Biafra War commanders and military politicians, then still in active service, five years after the war, who grabbed power from their boss, General Yakubu Gowon, was once again projected by his local and foreign sponsors and backers as Nigeria’s only credible hope for the smooth management and guidance of the country’s potentially turbulent transition, from a culture of despotism, dictatorship, and authoritarianism, in which, incidentally, General Olusegun Obasanjo also thrived luxuriantly, a quarter of a century earlier. Today, US President George W. Bush is beginning to get weary of posing for photographs with General Obasanjo, who, incidentally, has made nine (9) frivolous visits to God’s Own Country, the US of A, since “nascent Democracy Day”, in 1999.

Such is life: One man’s pariah is another man’s “Messiah”. One man’s caterpillar is another man’s butterfly! Moreover, familiarity breeds contempt.

In Hot Pursuit Of Foreign Investors (Chapter 113):

Ever since he voluntarily decided to aggressively caress and massage the ego of US President George Bush, especially after his earlier rather overt backing of Al Gore’s failed presidential bid, and also at the start of the “War against Terrorism” (worldwide), General Obasanjo (alias “Baba Iyabo”, in Aso Rock circles) has suddenly become the “ugly bride” and “sour darling” of US President George Bush. Rumour has it that Baba Iyabo has finally attained the status of an unwelcome frequent visitor to the White House, and the US State Department, after Saddam Husein of Iraq, Emperor Bokassa of the Central African Republic, Mujahideen Osama Bin Laden of Al-Qaeda without borders, Field Marshal Idi-Amin Dada of Uganda, post-colonial anti-colonialist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, Fidel Castro of Cuba, Chairman Yassir Arafat of Palestine (of the mind), ex-Paratrooper Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, His Eminence, Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran, ex-jailbird Charles Taylor of Liberia, Colonel Ghadaffi of Libya, or better still, ex-dictator General Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida (GCFR; mni; pss; fss; dss) of Nigeria.

It seems like General Obasanjo has at the back of his mind, a minor favour he would like to extract as a reward from US President George Bush. General Obasanjo expects the White House to drop its unrealistic demands for Nigeria’s full payment of its debts to the United States of America. Also, Washington DC expects the Nigerian President to show more respect for basic human rights in Nigeria, minimise executive corruption and impunity, enhance public security, and ensure transparency, probity, and accountability, in exchange for Obasanjo’s blind, deaf, dumb, and sycophantic new wave colonial mentality-driven strain of “pro-Americanism”, including fine-tuning the execution of his “nascent democracy”, before, during, and beyond the 2003 presidential elections in Nigeria.

Proclamations Of The Last Emperor:

Just at about the expiry date of an advance notice he received from the Federal House of Representatives, General (Chief) Olusegun Obasanjo made a state broadcast that was understandably predicated on very real and grave threats to his job, his ego, and indeed, his very being: His Imperial Excellency, President , and Commander -in-Chief of Nigeria, General (Chief) Obasanjo (GCFR) simply brushed aside the myriad impeachment issues staring at his face, and as usual, proceeded to inject massive doses of a combination of wishful thinking, callous indifference, crass insensitivity, patronising dry jokes, snide remarks, paternalistic kámpéism, political myopia, baseless tangential remarks, and copious amounts of painfully arid, illogical, and morally bankrupt references to his vision of a “scratch-my-back-I-scratch-your-back” kind of politics, with the usual boring over-recycled clichés like his “patriotic” duty to “defend and protect” our “nascent democracy”, in the “overall national interest” of Nigeria, our own dear “fatherland”, generously sprinkled all over his broadcast.

General (Chief) Obasanjo (GCFR) opened his state of the nation broadcast by thanking all 127 million poor Nigerians for patiently enduring the anguish and uncertainty of the consequences of his civilian dictatorship of Nigeria, for over three years since his adoption, recruitment, selection, and subsequent coronation in 1999. He informed his subjects that it was as a result of the outpouring of the patriotic sentiments and emotions of Nigerians that he chose to talk to them. He thanked his fellow compatriots for their prayers, letters, e-mails, GSM text messages, petitions, press conferences, interviews, and phone calls, which confirm their suitability as potential recruits, and soldiers in his patriotic war for the nurturing, and sustenance of Nigeria’s very deliciously “nascent” democracy.

President (Chief) Obasanjo then drifted into fantasising about an imagined support shown for the survival and sustenance of his “hard-won democracy” that cuts across age, gender, ethnic, geopolitical, religious, and partisan barriers. He singled out, for special mention and commendation, the women and youths of his fatherland, who we assume, are some women and youths of the South West geopolitical zone. Meanwhile, the vast majority of right-thinking Nigerian men, women and youths, including the men, women and youths of the South West geopolitical zone, especially the honourable men, women and youths of the National Assembly of Nigeria’s Fourth Republic, whose motherland, incidentally, is Nigeria, have formally advised President Olusegun Obasanjo, in writing, to kindly and honourably resign his failed stewardship, or face impeachment, in strict conformance and compliance with the demands of their statutory functions, and in line with the letter and spirit of the Abubakar Constitution (1999) of the Federal Republic of Nigeria that General Olusegun Obasanjo (GCFR) swore to defend: Nothing more, nothing less. It is NOT a joke.

The demands of the Nigerian Constitution cannot just threaten democracy. If it does, then the Constitution is weird, dysfunctional, and dangerously destabilising. Fortunately or unfortunately, despite its various glaring imperfections, the Abubakar Constitution (1999) of the Federal Republic of Nigeria at least acknowledges the need for some irreducible democratic norms like transparency, probity, and accountability. In fact, the Nigerian Constitution made some provisions (even if ridiculous in actualisation) for the impeachment of the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

There is nothing special, or abnormal, or unpatriotic, or subversive, or destabilising about impeaching a Nigerian President. It is constitutional. It is not a coup d’état. It does not require any conspiracy with any soldier, retired or serving, Colonel, General, or private, to fish out the retrograde tendencies of any Nigerian President, and flush him out democratically. Nigerians will not lose any sleep about the consequences of impeaching Obasanjo or any other President of the Federal Republic for that matter, because democracy demands so. In fact, not impeaching a purposeless and visionless President democratically, could justify a military coup d’état, ultimately. So, why all the hot air about the impeachment of Chief Obasanjo? If he is not at fault, the Nigerian Constitution guarantees his protection.

The Fundamentals Of Low-Calorie Logic

At one point in his (gra-gra and shakara) state broadcast, General (Chief) Obasanjo seemed to have learnt a lesson or two that no arm of government (particularly the Executive) can run roughshod over any of the others, especially as far as the Constitution, and the will of Nigerians are concerned. It also appeared as if, at last, General (Chief) Obasanjo (GCFR) must have learnt that no person, or group of persons, or arm of government, not even Obasanjo himself, may attempt to hoodwink the good people of Nigeria, the way he has consistently and painstakingly done over the past 39 months, since the truth will always prevail.

President Obasanjo enlightened Nigerians that many of his fellow sit-tight African leaders, most of them geriatrics, have expressed their heightened concern for the situation in Nigeria, since whatever happens in Nigeria had implications beyond its borders, for the rest of Africa. (Who cares?) In fact, some non-African leaders (probably those of the United States of America, the United Kingdom, and Fiji Islands) also called him to express their concern. (And so, what?) Of course, knowing the immediate, remote, future, sublime, imagined, real, and unreal causes of whatever happens in Nigeria at all times, President Obasanjo assured that Nigeria, being a land of magical surprises, things would fizzle out in due course. In other words, he remains fully kámpé. No cause for alarm. Everything will be all right in the distant future, maybe, after 2007. What a gratuitous insult on the already severely damaged collective psyche of Nigerians.

Maybe General (Chief) Obasanjo can shed more light on why he thinks that the statutory business of effecting meaningful checks and balances, by either the democratically elected representatives of the federating states of Nigeria, or any other ordinary citizen of Nigeria for that matter, was a joke taken a little bit too far. Furthermore, the implied executive blackmail that, were it not for the maturity exercised in certain quarters, the audacity to call him to order could have overstretched the existing bonds and fabric of Nigeria, is unbelievable, and rather unfortunate. Nigerians need to know the identity of the inhabitants of such so-called “certain quarters”. Indeed, this is one executive joke taken a bit too far on the collective self-worth of Nigerians,

In simple English, General (Chief) Olusegun Obasanjo wants Nigerians to believe the fallacy that any attempt at making him transparent, accountable, or subordinate to the Nigerian Constitution (1999), would lead to the disintegration of Nigeria. This is palpably false, baseless, mischievous, narcissistic, and is indeed impeachable! Why? Because no Nigerian, including the President, and/or those other Nigerians that inhabit the rarefied layers of custom-designed reality, the so-called “certain quarters”, is above the Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. Indeed, such reckless statements only help to reinforce the innuendo that the OPC, a proscribed chauvinistic ethnocentric entity, is a key element of Chief Obasanjo’s “nascent” Presidency. Moreover, General Obasanjo thanked God Almighty, and certain fellow Nigerians who allowed maturity, suppressed anger, and exercised dignified restraint, composure, balance, patience and firmness, in support of democracy and the unity of Nigeria. Hear! Hear! Hear! Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho!

By the way, who constitutes that mythical caste of Nigerians that are super-ordinate to the Nigerian Constitution? We need to know. This is serious. (Joke na joke!)

The Parable Of An Egomaniac Pilot:

Lo, and behold, just like that, General Olusegun Obasanjo realised that leadership is not, and cannot be a one-man show. Halleluiah! And by way of an analogy, he requested his listeners to imagine what disaster will follow if, in the cockpit of an aircraft, the captain is pressing the throttle for the plane to take-off with full power, the co-pilot is pressing the brakes, and the flight engineer is switching off the engine.

Well, for the information, enlightenment, and benefit of any intelligent six (6) year old Nigerian, if the captain in Obasanjo’s analogy is trying stupidly to take-off with maximum thrust, without communicating his intentions to commence a take-off sequence with his co-pilot, flight engineers, and cabin crew, and thinks that all it takes to fly a plane is to mindlessly press on the throttle, then his co-pilot and flight engineers should be congratulated for applying the brakes, and switching of the engines. In other words, the plane will remain SAFELY idle on the tarmac, and so, everyone on board that plane, including the self-centred captain would be saved in the process. In short, there can be no disaster in the scenario that Obasanjo’s analogy was trying to conjure. Any seasoned frequent flyer aught to know better. Metaphorically speaking, maybe, Nigeria needs such a patriotic co-pilot (Atiku), and flight engineers (Ayim and Na’Abba) to save the passengers (Nigerians), and the plane (Nigeria) from the whims, caprices, foul temper, and brainwaves of their captain (Obasanjo). That is the only meaningful lesson of that boring parable

What better Freudian slip, and brazen insensitivity, for the President of a very poor country, who spends over 34% of his tenure airborne, to think of no better analogy to make his point, than to overwhelm and flabbergast his victims, 70% of whom live below the US$1 per day threshold of abject poverty, with aeronautical fallacies that are way beyond the overstretched limits of their fertile, but hungry imaginations. In the final analysis, leadership must be imbued with a common mission, a common vision, and team spirit, which incidentally, are all conspicuously scarce in Obasanjo’s “nascent” Presidency.

Yes, indeed, leadership that has sight, but without vision, is, at best, oxymoronic. However, leadership without team spirit is clearly symptomatic of hyper-megalomania, and habituated authoritarianism. That is the problem, and it is NOT a joke. It is serious. The captain, in General Obasanjo’s aeronautical paradigm, aught to know that there is a massive difference between riding a bicycle, and flying a plane, between playing squash, and playing football, between managing one’s life in a prison cell, and governing a complex federation like Nigeria democratically. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. IT IS VERY SERIOUS.

Which One Consign God?

Later on in that state broadcast, General (Chief) Obasanjo claimed to have learned, quite early in his officially alleged 65 long years of good life on Planet Earth, that a leader must endeavour to go beyond being a “people-pleaser” to being a “God-pleaser”, and that one cannot please God without pleasing majority of the people. (Divinity 101).

Please, for goodness sake, what does “God” have to do with this? Moreover, does the President of Nigeria realise that such utterances rudely infringe on the very basic right of Nigerians to be free from religious persuasion, persecution, or chauvinism, in whatever guise? We all learned such platitudinous, though useful, kindergarten-level lessons at the Mosque, at Sunday school, and/or during bedtime story-telling sessions with our grand parents. Unfortunately, nowadays, most infants under five years of age easily get bored with state broadcasts, particularly “Baba’s”, and so, they probably never heard, or even need to ever hear General Obasanjo’s televised executive jokes in their lifetimes. Thank God!

General (Chief) Olusegun Obasanjo assured his listeners that the security of Nigeria was not impaired in any way, contrary to the thinking of the Pentagon. Unfortunately, and of course, predictably, he also dropped the obligatory blackmail that the House of Representatives might have inadvertently sent a wrong signal to both the friends of Nigeria, and some hypothetical 419-compliant foreign investors (maybe Enron) that try to look favourably in the direction of Nigeria for “business unusual”, as usual, but, somehow, have not made any tangible progress yet..

General (Chief) Obasanjo assured his listeners that he would soon emerge safely out of the understandably excruciating demands of constitutionality, transparency, probity, accountability, reciprocal respect, and basic civility, all key elements of 21^st century democracy, even though he may think that the constitutional need for his impeachment is an unnecessary distraction. By General Obasanjo’s estimation, Nigeria would be stronger, he would be better focused, his vision would be sharper, and so, the environment would be more conducive to welcome friends, tourists, and (of course), foreign investors. Visions and daydreams!

Government By Ambush Specialists & Hoodwinkers:

Like an ambush specialist, Chief (General) Obasanjo appealed fervently to Nigerians that there should be no feelings of resentment or bitterness, but room for forgiveness, love, righteousness, harmony, and solidarity. (Good talk. Up OBJ!) However, barely four days after that broadcast, Nigerians were informed that the Presidency, in collaboration with some Aso Rock hawks, and die-hard official sycophants, had concluded plans to charge the Distinguished Senator of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, His Excellency, Senate President Ayim Pius Ayim (GCON), and the Speaker of the Federal House of Assembly, Honourable (Alhaji) Ghali Umar Na’Abba for corruption.

Forgiveness, love, righteousness, harmony, and solidarity my nyash!

In concluding his unnecessary state broadcast, General (Chief) Olusegun Aremu Obasanjo (GCFR; pss; fss) assured his victims that Nigeria is on course, and has a clean bill of health. Good gracious! This is completely false and very misleading, even if it was meant to sedate or pacify his victims. Nigeria is neither on course, nor does it have any clean bill of health, except in the arid imaginations of his official sycophants, and in the robust lies peddled by a clique of dedicated praise singers of Chief (General) Obasanjo: the so-called “Aso Rockers”, and “Abuja politicians”.

Appreciating The Nudity Of A Deluded Dwarf:

For a start, Nigeria is the second most corrupt country in the known universe, despite President Obasanjo’s membership of Transparency International. Could it be that Transparency International is wrong, or that it is a body of eminent and statesmanlike hypocrites, or that Transparency International has fallen for a dignified Nigerian 419ers hoodwink?

Furthermore, strange as it might seem, Nigeria belongs to the group of some of the most hopelessly poor countries on that perennially populate the Human Development Index (HDI) of the UNDP database, with their very frightening statistics of abysmally low and dismal quality of life. Specifically, the quality of life in Nigeria is hopeless because it has been thoroughly mismanaged, and brutalised over the past twenty-six (26) years, of which General Obasanjo presided for six (6) years, twice in his life. This is not a joke. It is rather farcical to observe that General Obasanjo may not be fully aware of these self-evident facts, but in all sincerity, he is part of the problem with Nigeria. That is the problem, and it is very serious.

So hopeless is the Nigerian condition under the direct supervision of Chief (General) Olusegun Obasanjo that countries like Madagascar, Haiti, Bangladesh, Togo, Congo, Cameroon, Kenya, Papua New Guinea, Ghana, Zimbabwe, Botswana, Swaziland, India, Morocco, Namibia, Sao Tome, Gabon, Egypt, Equatorial Guinea, Indonesia, Viet Nam, South Africa, Algeria, Jamaica, Fiji, Venezuela, Libya, and Barbados all have higher human development scores than Nigeria. In fact, every country that General (Chief) Obasanjo has visited since he left prison, some four years ago, has a higher HDI score than Nigeria, with the exception of Senegal, Benin Republic, Burkina Faso, and Niger. In other words, even within the ECOWAS, Nigeria is one of the poorest counties in the sub-region. This is not a joke. In fact, it is a tragedy.

Within OPEC, Nigeria has the highest population density, the lowest GDP per capita, the lowest electric power consumption per capita, among the group of countries with the lowest crude oil reserves, the lowest life expectancy, the lowest adult literacy rate, and the lowest human development index rank.

Among oil producing (OPEC and non-OPEC) states in Africa, Nigeria has the second largest proven crude oil reserves after Libya. However, Nigeria also has the shortest lifespan of proven crude oil reserves (30 ~ 48 years), the lowest electricity consumption per capita, the lowest GDP per capita (US$ 896)based on purchasing power parity, lower than Equatorial Guinea (US$15,073), lower than Libya (US$7,570), lower than Gabon (US$6,237), lower than Algeria (US$5,308), lower than Egypt (US$3,635), lower than Angola (US$2,187), lower than Ghana (US$1,964), lower than Cote D’Ivoire (US$1,670), and lower than Cameroon (US$1,703). Nigeria also has the largest population, and population density in Africa.

Here ends our citation for a drunken, bow-legged, squint-eyed, hunchbacked, and foul-tempered dwarf that persistently hallucinates about his status as a sober giant, just because he wears stiletto-healed shoes, and his one-legged, blind, AIDS-infested, and sarcastic fellow dwarves tell him, “Hail the Giant of Africa!”, and he replies, “I dey kámpé. I dey yàfùn-yàfùn!”

Long Live the Federal Republic of Nigeria!

Long Live the National Assembly of the Federal Republic of Nigeria!

God save our gracious President!

Kòmbò Mason Braide, PhD.