Marriages
Fading with the Sunset among Nigerians in America By Dr.
Sylvester Omosun Fadal San
Jose, CA. USA During
my recent research on the web while spending my vacation in southern
California, I came across several governmental data on divorces in most
states that maintain public online databases on marriages and divorce
records. Out of curiosity I
pulled up data from 1988 – 1992 in the state of Texas and eventually
went through several records among most states and spanning several
years intervals, after deciding to write an article on it.
This may technically be called a qualitative research study of
some sort recognizing the empirical nature of it.
What I found alarming especially in Texas, Illinois, California,
and several other states is the frequency of Nigerian names on the
divorce records. In some cases, I found the same names several times within
the same state and the only way I could deduce if it was the same person
was to apply a little statistics. Someone
who was 24 in 1988 when they got married and 27 in 1991 when they got
divorced is definitely the same person (assuming the name remains the
same) who remarried in 1994 at 30 and divorced in 1998 at 34. There
were cases where some pages had over 50 percent Nigerian names making it
relatively alarming. Factoring
in the fact that some Nigerians from Edo, Delta, Rivers, Bayelsa, and
some part of Lagos states may have names that do not clearly reflect
their country of origin, there may be more that I couldn’t easily
identify. Also, there are
Nigerians who find it necessary to change their names for obvious
reasons, making it difficult to identify them.
For instance, most people have a tendency to ask my specific
place of origin within Nigeria. Fadal is an Ishan name (Ishan is in Edo state) and it may not
be nationally common but there are several Fadals in Ishan.
Some are spelled (a) Fada, (b) Fadal, (c) Ifada, and (d) Efada.
Regardless of how it is spelt, the meaning stays the same and it
is a name that is common among the Ishans.
In
continuation of my research findings and analysis, upon recognizing the
high frequency of divorces among Nigerians, I began to wonder why and a
few probable thoughts came to mind such as:
I
could outline numerous reasons why couples justify their divorces but
the fact is, very rarely do divorces leave either couple happy at the
long end especially when children are involved.
Most developed and “civilized” countries do not allow
polygamy and in countries where some men marry more than one spouse,
they are essentially experiencing some shadow of marital death and
because they can, they marry other wives without divorcing existing ones
or making efforts to resolve the issues.
Life priorities and perception does change and oftentimes,
society often tries to dictate how we should live our lives.
Could the high level of divorces noticeable among Nigerians in
America a result of societal influences and acceptance? I
have seen couples get married and divorced over the years at an alarming
rate some for frivolous reasons. Why
have we suddenly embraced divorce as an alternative rather than a last
approach option when all else fails?
It is perhaps the influence of the society we live in or probably
the desire to explore our hidden wishes that marriages don’t often
allow because of the weak foundation of these marriages. How
do these folks plan to spend their last years? Will they relish being
without someone they can trust, rely on and/or possibly discuss memories
with? Regardless of what some might make us believe, it is not all
glamorous as portrayed by Hollywood stars, as I have seen the normative
and summative effects of divorces on couples, children and sometimes,
extended friends and families. The
greatest use of life according to Williams James is to spend it on
something that will outlast it. This
is perhaps one of the key reasons we seek immortality in various ways.
Some individuals seek children as a source of immortality, some
write books, make music, conduct and publish research findings, adopt
and preach beliefs that may be unpopular but goal-oriented to them, etc.
The desires for immortality through one’s own progeny are so
strong in some Asian and African countries that they remain bent on
having male children to carry on their names at all cause.
This naïve mentality that remain deep-rooted in some people
still break up marriages. Divorce sometimes is not avoidable and in such situations, it may be justified. However, when society says, “jump”, we must seek the “why” before we jump. Most cracks in marriages are repairable regardless of how frustrating the experiences may be. Knowing and respecting each other’s temperament goes a long way to preserving relationships. A pre-evaluation and good understanding prior to marriage is perhaps old fashion but still a requirement for maintaining long marriages. The marriage institution is a level playing field regardless of how we look at it and on the long run, the ultimate satisfaction is to say, “my marriage was dead and now it is alive.” |