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The Problem with African Men and African Women By Sabella Ogbobode Abidde
I speak of the
African male in the Diasporas. I speak of men, not individually, but
collectively. I have known men who are extraordinary both in their private
and public lives. But today, I make no distinction, and instead have as
the focus of my treatise the general male population in the Diasporas.
There are no mysteries surrounding men. There is nothing that can’t be
explained about men. But alas, in their relationship with women and with
fellow men, men tend to convey and or project a godlike picture. Their
attitude and disposition are quite different. For men, life is all about
power and a can-do-attitude; it is about “me, therefore me.” Men have an
exaggerated sense of entitlement. They believe they own the world,
therefore they rule the world. They make war, make peace; they build and
they destroy.
It is a shame
that, collectively, women have yet to realize three general facts about
men: African men are quick to lie and cheat and bamboozle African women. But then, lying and cheating and conniving are in their nature. Brought up to view women as objects -- mostly objects of sexual desire -- they have no respect for women. The African male does not view the African female as an equal. And if these men have their ways -- women will be confined to the kitchens, to the maternity wards and to subservient roles. One need not look far and war to witness some of the atrocities the African men commit against African women. Aren’t these the same women who are the bedrock of the society, the pillars of the family? Men rely on women for everything. They cry on the shoulders of women, rely on the advice of women and when they fall on hard times, these women will take them in. And more often than not, these women become the only anchor in a sea of turbulence. Yet, how do men repay women? To repay these women, they go back home to the hills and mountains and waterways of Nigeria to bring back to the U.S supposed virgins who are thought to be of good moral character. These men go back to the rural areas of Tanzania, Zambia and Lesotho, and Ghana and bring back to the U.S “nice, religious girl with good family background.” For the vast majority of these African men the aim is to bring back a girl who is like clay, a girl they can mold in a desired image. Good gracious, after years and years of being the rock, of being a steady and reliable friend and partner, the African women (in the U.S) get dumped unceremoniously in preference for the “innocenty.” How sad! It is beyond ones wit why after all these years women have yet to figure men out. Year after year, men have been abusing and disrespecting women. Year after year, men have been lording over women and in the process have taken away or crushed their rights and dignity. There are women who are driven to mental penury after their encounter with these men. In the last couple of years, one has noticed a new phenomenon: in a country where polygamy is illegal, the Africans have found a way to “marry” more than one wife. From Maryland to Texas, from New York to Los Angeles, there are African men who are raising children in two or more households. (I don’t mean divorced household, but households of unofficial wives where the man “comes and go” as he wishes.) The women are trapped. Too tired and beaten to start afresh and so have accepted their lot in life. Africans, and especially Nigerians, are making a mockery of life. They are making a mockery of everything decent. Today, it is difficult being a Nigerian. To admit to being a Nigerian, within certain circles, is to invite ridicule, scorn and suspicion. Known for their big cars, big houses, big ego, pipedreams, and big mouth, Nigerians have become the poster boy for all manner of illegalities. And when these men return to their villages in the East, West or Southern Nigeria (on vacation), they paint a rosy picture of life in North America and elsewhere. Suddenly, dope dealers become pharmacists; insurance and real estate crooks become consultants; CNAs become registered nurses and medical doctors; janitors become big city building inspectors; and cab drivers become information technologists. And then there are the international business men who are always waiting for containers that never makes it to the Port of Houston, Miami, Seattle or wherever! When they are not lying to the women in their lives, they are lying to the women they are about to snag. When they are not lying to their brothers and sisters, they are lying to their parents. But mostly, they lie to themselves so much so that most are not even aware they are lying. They have lost their moral compass. They have lost touch with reality. Compared to most countries in the world, America is a wonderland. It is a paradise. It is also a very frustrating country. Her opportunities are also slightly exaggerated. With all the talks about freedom and liberty, it is also, in many ways, a police state. It is a country where the lazy and the feeble-hearted easily get shoved to the margin of society. Hard work does not guarantee success. Education does not guarantee success. Contacts do not guarantee success. Luck does not guarantee success. And at the same time one is doomed without any of the imperatives. More often than not, one needs the combination of all four to be a success. But Africans, Nigerians especially, have found ways to circumvent the system. Nigerians, among Africans, are about the only group of people who can show up in America today, and within 24-months drive Mercedes Benz, own a 2-car garage home in an exclusive or gated community, have a collection of suits and shoes and can afford to throw parties week after week after week. Yet, other Nigerians will not question the source of the ill-gotten wealth. Not only do we misuse and abuse our women, we also corrupt, abuse and misuse the communities we live in. We are doing the same things we did back in our own continent (and respective countries). We have become a community that lacks moral sensibility; a community without scruples. Excessive greed and a complete disregard for the law is now part of our culture at home and in the Diaspora. For the great majority of Africans in the Diaspora, we cannot go back home. Some are economic refugees, while others are shame-induced refugees. We cannot go back to a continent that does not know what do with us (or we with her). We cannot go back to a continent that is fast becoming a strange land to most of us. Consequently, we stay away and hope -- we hope that someday we will return home. But unfortunately, the vast majority will never be able to call Africa home again, save in nationalistic sense. If our forefathers were involuntarily sold into slavery, we have voluntarily sold ourselves into slavery. Sadly too is the fact that for the vast majority of Africans in the United States and elsewhere outside of the continent, our children cannot speak our language. They know almost nothing about our people, land and culture. For them, the continent is a distant and far away land just as it is fast becoming a distant and far away land for most of us.
The Problem with Single African Women This is a reaction to Annie Brisibe-Porbeni’s essay: “In Search of Mr. Right or Wrong in Diaspora: The Plight of the Young Black African Woman.” The article dwells on the predicament single, educated, intelligent and fun-loving Black women of African origin face in North America -- when it comes to the issue of dating and marriage. These women’s dilemma, distress and anguish are captured in the following excerpts: “…How many of you have boyfriends, husbands or even seeing someone right now with the possibility of a serious commitment…?” “…Living abroad has put us in a box where men are concerned. You are forced because of lack of choices and a thin pool of educated, descent, okay looking and well mannered young Black men to now accept anything that looks your way…It's even harder finding an African male of your choice because the ones that under normal circumstances you won't even look at are running after White women. Even when you give them a chance to get close they treat you like you should be happy to have them…” “…I worry that I may never find a Mr. Right or Wrong. I can't date an Asian, a Caucasian, or even someone from the Middle East my parents will kill me… it's not an option; cultures, dealing with racism, how to integrate into their world or them mine...there are too many issues to deal with. I am not ready for that. It's hard alone being a Black woman in this society…” Source: http://nigeriaworld.com/articles/2005/feb/201.html In this rejoinder, I make two interrelated arguments: that generally speaking, African women in the Diasporas spends eternity waiting and or searching for Mr. Perfect -- when human perfection is an illusion; and that a second group allows cultural considerations to influence their lives. As humane as the African culture is, certain aspects of it are energy sapping and regressive; therefore, these women should not subject themselves to its demands. Most African women (in the Diasporas) put themselves in the situation in which they find themselves by virtue of their supercilious attitude. Most can’t even tell what it is they want and what they want in a man and in a relationship. They are confused and can’t decide whether they are Africans or are “non-Africans” living in the West. These women want to be co-captains, coequals and at the same time quote Oprahisms or threaten you with the intervention of the social service or the police if you tell them to behave like a wife. No man in his right mind will go near such a woman -- unless by mistake, he was drunk or was desperate for something! Most of these women spend a great deal of their valuable time searching for Mr. Right. Sometimes, what a woman need is “Mr. OK,” and not “Mr. Right” or “Mr. Perfect;” and so they become blind or too engrossed with their trivial requirements -- so much so that they wouldn’t recognize Mr. Right even if he came along. Such women come to their senses only when it is too late. This gives rise to the phenomenon of women complaining: “There are no good men around…” Oops, ladies, he was right there all along but was too shallow to recognize a good thing! Every Nigerian man I know would rather marry a Nigerian woman. The same can be said of all the African men that I know. But sadly -- and this is especially so in the last decade or so -- these women want to know the type of car one drives, whether one live in a home with a 2-car-garrage or in an apartment, ones salary and investments and so on and so forth. They want men with exotic cars, Armani suits, Gucci watch, Italian-snake shoes and a cellar full of French wines. They want a ready-made man -- never a struggling man with potentials who is decent, loving, and morally and ethically upright. The educated African women -- the PhD holders, the lawyers, medical doctors, masters of this and masters of that and their likes are among the snootiest. These same women complain about Black men going after White women! The sad truth is that, more often than not, the White women are ready to “work with you,” but not so for the vast majority (of a small number of African women). And then they wonder why more and more Black men are ensconced with non-African women? Their demands have, in some cases, driven feeble-hearted African men to commit the unthinkable. Today, especially in places like Houston, Chicago, New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore and Los Angeles, we have a segment of Nigerian men selling their soul to meet the demands of these unscrupulous and greedy women. The fault is not our women’s alone. Good gracious, Lord knows that some African men can be and are devilish, conniving, lying and cheating bastards who will take women for the ride and, if need be, take them to the cleaners in a heartbeat. Besides, some of these men would commit illegalities even without the women asking. These men live to please women’s narcissism. Still, I don’t feel sorry for most women who complain about the lack of “good men” for relationships or marriage. My attitude is that of indifference. And in any case, they don’t need my sympathy! As for some of the women in Annie Brisibe-Porbeni’s essay, I wonder how many men they shunned, dismissed, laughed at and even “spit” at? I wonder. A woman can’t be that smart, funny, educated, sassy, spunky and fun loving and not have flock of men after her. But unfortunately, we have a small group of women (not necessarily Annie’s subjects) who, once they attain certain status get greedy and dream pipedreams -- waiting for Mr. Perfect to sweep them off their feet. Yes, it is true that as Africans, marriage is highly rated and the unmarried women are generally frowned upon. But the women Annie Brisibe-Porbeni wrote about live in North America. These are educated women; these are women who probably believe in the equality of both sexes. These are women who, at the very least, have spent an upward of five years in the West. Therefore, they should know, or at the very least, should have known that as humanistic and benevolent as the African culture is, it is also a culture that can be oppressive, relegates women to inferior and painful positions. Any critical observer of women knows that, in most cases, women are women’s worst enemies. Most of the time, it is women who are goading fellow women to get married and have children long before their time or long before they are ready and capable. In this day and age, do women really need a man, a ring, partner and the title, Mrs., to feel complete, happy and blissful? I don’t think so. I don’t because one need not be married to be happy. One need not be married to have children. One need not be married to feel accomplished. One need not be married to have a wonderful life. To feel otherwise is to stunt ones growth, happiness and sense of fulfillment. African women should stop worrying about what society thinks or feels about them in terms of their marital status. They don’t need men to feel complete! And for those who must worry, well, they should stop searching for Mr. Perfect or Mr. Readymade. African women should cultivate their own gardens instead of waiting to be fed; plant their own flowers instead of waiting for men to bring them roses. You are capable; you illuminate the world and give joy to humanity. Be you…
Norman, Oklahoma 73072
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