Intro: My car

My car cranked up on me again recently, maybe it doesn’t realise that I have been considering ending our 3 year relationship, a relationship that is filled with good and not so good memories, hopefully soon and my bank manager willing, I won’t have to suffer such embarrassments from it anymore. It seems to enjoy letting me down these days just when I need it most, especially on this particular day that I was rushing to keep a cable installation appointment at my new apartment, I wanted to avoid the last minute antics of the Sky TV cable engineers (they rule here). I have been moving house now for the past 3 months (I think I may now hold the record for the longest period ever needed to move house).

Trust me and my penny pinching, rather than pay those scheming and shylock ‘per hour billing’ tradesmen to come and fix my new place, I decided to go for the family and friends option, yours truly is a DIY (do- it -yourself) disaster, my own interpretation of DIY means damage-it-yourself. Never ever leave me or trust me with a hammer or power tool, unless you are ready for some additional damages.

Having owned up to my deficiency, I am relying most especially on the self – taught skills of my brother Peter, who is the family DIY specialist and my friend Orizu Ikpeama, the guy with a million skills (electrician, computer engineer, decorator, mechanic, tailor etc). Every penny I had hoped to save by this arrangement has gone back into paying the rent of the two apartments (the old and the new), I can’t yet leave the old place because the new place is not yet fully fixed, and the new place is not yet completed because family and friends are too busy and can only come when there is no extra income to be made from overtime shift at work, our lot as immigrant Nigerians. I now know better should I have to move again.

So on this particular day as I waited at the bus stop, thanks to my un-coperative car, for the bus that was now unusually taking ages to come a few stories began to form in my mind.

Story 1:Britain and the white van culture

While waiting at the bus stop, I suddenly realised that judging by the number of white vans passing by; the British economy may also be described as a white van economy. This is a can-do economy, people with practical skills command high salaries and wages, and such skilled men and artisans almost always will possess a white van. Take a look at the UK housing sector, the main driver of the British economy, the sector is dominated by plumbers, builders, plasterers, bricklayers, painters, cablemen, engineers, decorators and several of such craftsmen or ‘crafty men’ as some may chose to describe them because of their trade tricks of over billing.

As I pondered over this unfolding ‘phenomenon’ I began to wonder if maybe we were not being mis-educated in Nigeria, where emphasis is placed more on theory rather than on practice. From primary to university, some of us never got the opportunity to try our hands on practical skills, in our days teachers were quite happy to accept the cash equivalent or even ready-made handcrafts such as brooms and baskets purchased at the local market in place of the self-made ones as required by the subject popularly known as Handwork. Maybe a re-orientation is desired in Nigeria’s educational and training system.

Sometime in 2003, a university lecturer in the UK scandalously resigned his appointment to pursue a plumbing career, this caused a great uproar in the media and triggered renewed interest in some of such professions whose practitioners have been variously branded ‘cowboys’ and ‘greedy shylocks’, because of their unholy practices and exorbitant bills.

Story 2:Kanu Nwankwo a spent force?

A few weeks back in an internet forum, I had chided Kanu Nwankwo over his dwindling fortunes in football, I had alleged that his teenage wife (amarachi) was responsible for his eyes being off the ball at the moment hence his long dry run in front of the goal. However after watching Nigeria's crucial world cup qualifier against Gabon on Saturday 26th march 2005, I want to pay the lanky marksman the respects he deserves. In a lack -lustre match that paraded the likes of Jay Jay Okocha, Yakubu Aiyegbeni, Garba lawal, Julius Aghahowa, Obafemi Martins and the likes, the super eagles seemed doomed to a fatalistic goalless draw with the defensive minded gabonese national side who like Jose Mourhino of Chelsea will describe such situations, came to the pitch and left their team bus in front of their goal mouth.

Come the 82nd minute, coach Christian Chukwu substituted Obafemi Martins for Kanu Nwankwo and almost immediately, in his first touch of the ball, Kanu showed flickers and the brilliance of his glory days, while operating from the right flank, he deftly disposed off two opponents and lobbed the ball across to the waiting legs of Yakubu Aiyegbeni who then put a through -pass to Julius Aghahowa for the finishing touch.

This long awaited 1st goal was like the tonic the super eagles needed even as the fans in the Port Harcourt stadium continued to cheer them on with shouts of papilo, papilo, papilo... renting the air. Two minutes later, Kanu once again found himself in front of the gabonese goal mouth, a favourite position in his trophy -filled playing career, he buried the ball inside the gabonese net with such smoothness that got the likes of governors Orji Uzor Kalu of Abia state and Peter Odili of Rivers state on their feet. Final score: Nigeria 2 Gabon 0.

Kanu Nwankwo was awarded the man of the match prize, when last did you hear of a player being made the man- of- the- match for just 7 minutes of play? This goes to prove what a super sub Kanu is, in reminisce of Michael Owen and his travails at Real Madrid this season.

There is still some magical juice flowing in those legs, Kanu Nwankwo has kept Nigeria’s hope for a world cup place in Germany 2006 alive, he made my day and that of the soccer -crazy Nigerian fans and is our hero of the moment.

Story 3:What is good for the goose

Several stories and theories are currently making the rounds since the bribery and corruption scandals broke in Abuja. I have discussed and debated the issue with some friends of mine who are keen observers of politics in Nigeria, and one common thread and line of argument coming from the Igbos amongst them is that Ndigbo are being singled out and targeted by Obasanjo. Their thinking is that the president does not operate a level playing field in all circumstances, and has always aimed to dramatise the ‘crimes’ of Ndigbo. They reason that all the president is trying to do is to discredit Ndigbo and make them look unfit to rule Nigeria, come 2007.

It is difficult for me as an Igbo not to take a position in such discussions. I must say however that I never looked at the corruption scandal from the Igbo victimisation angle but having listened to my fellow Igbo brothers’ arguments, I am beginning to wonder if maybe their argument is not worth looking into. Try as hard as one may, it is difficult not to sometimes look at issues concerning Nigeria from the tribal perspective, the issue here is not the correctness of the actions of the presidency in the Osuji and Wagbara scandals but rather in the manner the presidency went about it, the arrest and detention as well as the numerous statements of conviction against the suspects even before the EFCC have concluded their investigations or long before the accused are given a chance before a court of law to state their case. In the eyes of the law, every suspect is innocent until proven guilty, right?

Such selective treatment of corrupt politicians and government officials by the powers that be are the main reasons why these conspiracy theories thrive, a top official of Transparency International, General Ishola Williams, the Vice-Chairman of Transparency in Nigeria

was recently quoted to have described Obasanjo’s anti- corruption efforts as selective, hmm.

It may seem that the Tafa Balogun Billion Naira scandal has now taken the back burner, even as the likes of IBB and the others remain untouchable. One still wonders why Aso Rock cautioned Nuhu Ribadu of EFCC over his recent IBB statement made in South Africa.

Still on the issue of my fellow Igbo brothers, they reason that Obasanjo should also do a house cleaning, starting from inside his bedroom. I wouldn’t know if this is mere beer parlour talk but they claim that Gbenga, Obasanjo’s son is a beneficiary of several government juicy and over- invoiced contracts, and also that the president’s wife, Stella Obasanjo sits in court with Gbenga to decide who gets what contract in Abuja, but like I earlier said, these may just be plain ‘tombo talk’ or the ranting of a people aggrieved by perceived government discrimination against their kin. However their argument is lent further credence by a recent query from the American government to President Obasanjo regarding the source of the sum of $22M lodged in one of Gbenga’s private bank accounts in a US commercial bank.

It sure must be getting hot in there I will say, a case of the pot calling the kettle black, I know that those that live in glass houses do not throw stones or what do you think?

While we fully support the president’s anti – corruption efforts, we still think that the president’s efforts should cut across the board, because the 55 million Naira Osuji bribe money can not be the only bribe money making the rounds in Nigeria. If anything, it is but a drop in the ocean. Just like the president said in his speech, the fight against corruption should be extended to the grassroots, the states and local governments where it is much easier to practice corruption, away from the prying and intrusive eyes of the vibrant Lagos – Abuja media axis, the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and the Independent Corrupt Practices and Other Related Offences Commission (ICPC).

Story 4:What were they thinking?

I was quite amused over the story that President Obasanjo recently commissioned or rather cut the tape to declare open the new head office of Transparency International in Berlin. Because I didn’t quite get the full gist of who initiated the president’s honourable invitation (the German government? Transparency International? or the Nigerian government?). But for sure it did seem odd and out of place that Nigeria will be so highly favoured by TI to perform the tape-cutting role.

This must indeed be the ‘cheekiest’ moment of the president’s 6-year rule. I mean, what else could be more funny as having the president of the 3^rd most corrupt nation in the world, and at one time the most corrupt country in the world cutting the tape to declare open the offices of the body that has now become what one could describe as Nigeria’s nemesis over the past years based on their various classifications of our beloved country?, a situation that has made Nigeria a pariah in the International community and at one time weakened our prospects of attracting foreign investors.

If you ask me, the Nigerian government should ignore TI and their antics, they should quietly go about their business of reforms and caring for their people, rather than seeking to pander to the vile tastes of these modern day colonialists. Who cares about what they think anyway? Once the right enabling environment is established, those elusive investors will come calling in droves.

Elementary economics is in Nigeria’s favour at the moment, we have abundant human and material resources, factors that attract investors the same way moth is attracted to light. Let the government do its part, they know the right things to do, the investors will come eventually.

Story 5:Government and duplication of efforts

Something keeps reminding me of the military era in Nigeria. Yes, I think I know what it is. It is the manner in which the present government sets up agencies, commissions and several of such institutions. Unless such bodies are created in order to compensate party stalwarts and contributors to party elections, the activities of some of such agencies could actually be streamlined with those of already existing ones for better service delivery and efficiency.

My little knowledge of governmental affairs tells me that the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission EFCC and the Independent Corrupt Practices and Other Related Offences Commission (ICPC) could both well be doing the same job, since corruption and financial crime is central to their foundation charters, it may be an idea to merge the two bodies and then set up different divisions within the merged body. It is so very difficult at the moment to keep tabs and find out who is doing what amongst the EFCC and TCPC. We all know that duplication of efforts slows down the service delivery process and may lead to buck-passing.

While we are still on this, isn’t it time that the government abolished the office of public prosecution? It appears now that in Nigeria for every known crime or offence, there is a government agency, tribunal or agency responsible for investigation and prosecution, different from the law courts, the office of public prosecution and the police.

At one time I got tired, dazed and confused tracking election results and petitions in Nigeria, one didn’t know anymore which court or tribunal had a particular case file. As part of the present government’s drive towards reforms, some of these agencies should be scrapped or merged with existing and more traditional institutions, that way the rule of law will reign once more. That way also officials of the law courts (Customary and Magistrate Courts, High Court, Appeal Court and the Supreme Court} can justify their monthly salaries.

Story 6:NTA and AIT, Nigeria’s windows to the world?

The bus must be arriving any minute now, so I had better hurry up with these thoughts of mine. Do you sometimes wonder at the claim that the Nigerian Television Authority (NTA) and the African Independent Television (AIT) are Nigeria’s windows to the world?

I don’t quite understand how these things work but in the UK, maybe in some other parts of the world as well, we are able to watch Nigerian news and events on the BEN television channel number 182 on the Sky TV networks. During sports telecasts, I want to believe that AIT feeds from the NTA and then beams the signals to its audience. Why do I think so? Well, the picture and sound quality of AIT own programmes are usually clear, better than those from the NTA, and this is despite all the talk of the huge investments and reorganisation purportedly carried out in NTA by Ben Murray-Bruce while he was the director general, makes you wonder then where the money went into if we still can’t get clear signals from NTA in 2005.

Watching the Nigeria Vs Gabon match recently, I must say it was quite an effort squinting to see exactly who was kicking the round leather, thanks to NTA’s poor signals and picture quality. If the NTA is still under the ministry of information, then the Honourable minister, chief Chukwuemeka Chikelu had better invest some or whatever is still left of the 600 million naira earmarked for the Nigeria Image Project on equipments for NTA, that way Nigerians at home and abroad, and also non-Nigerians who are interested in Nigeria can at least have a clearer view of goings on in the country.

Story 7: Is Arthur Nzeribe vindicated?

Chief Arthur Nzeribe (Ogbuagu Damanze), remember him? His antics, brashness and spanner-in-the-works with his Association for Better Nigeria (ABN) in the June 12 1993 elections has made him the most misunderstood and controversial politician in Nigeria, however his prophetic remarks to Nuhu Ribadu of the EFCC in 2004 appears to be coming round in circles now. Hear the Ogbuagu;

…“EFCC goes after "small thieves" and spares bigger thieves in government.”…

…"We have heard all these things you have said since 20 years ago. You are simply rendering lip service to the fight against corruption and going after small boys who just collect small money."…

It would be interesting to hear what the Ogbuagu has to say to all the recent happenings in Abuja, also between the Ogbuagu and his critics, who is having the last laugh?

Story 8: Critics and their game

Quite amusingly and predictably, all the known social writers and critics have come out this week firing on all four cylinders and in full blast, with their guns blazing. A quick browse through all the major Nigerian news websites show all the critics (yours truly included) trying to outdo one another in their in-depth analysis of the Osujigate bribery scandals, which makes me to conclude that we are not any different from the anti-apartheid musicians of the 70s and 80s, who seemed all to be singing the same tune always, you may also liken this situation to two football teams without coaches, and who at the first whistle all chase the ball up and down the pitch, with their gazes fixed on the ball and never blinking while remaining oblivious to any other events in or outside the pitch.

This may not be healthy for our trade because just like those ‘free mandela’ and anti-apartheid singers (Sonny Okosuns and the likes) found out, we may soon find ourselves out of ‘jobs’ the moment the things we all shout and complain about no longer exist. Good for Nigerians then some would say, but wait a moment; didn’t they say that variety is the spice of life?

Story 9: The end of yahoo, as we know it?

Is it just me but has anyone else noticed the recent invasion of our computer screens while signed on to their yahoo email accounts? It seems like those benevolent yahoo people have finally seen the light and now want to cash in more on their increasing popularity. They have used the carrot and stick theory on us poor yahooligans, first they increased our mail box spaces to 250 MB (thank God, that’s where I ‘park’ all my files now, as I don’t trust my system anymore), and now even with the remnants of the carrots still in our mouth, we now have to endure those annoying pop-ups, can we complain? Well, it’s either we switch to other free email providers or hang in there with the joneses, after all who else is paying for those extra storage spaces but the advertisers.

Outro: The Bus is here

As I pondered over these stories at the bus stop, I was jolted once more to reality by the arrival of the double decker Bus 177. I quickly climbed in and prayed that the bus will make its journey from Abbey wood to Charlton in good time, before those Sky cable engineers put me down for another installation appointment in a month’s time and then I won’t be able to watch my team Chelsea FC lift the premiership trophy this 2004/2005 season.

These bus stop stories may be continued in the future at the whims of my car, if you wish to comment please reference the story number.

uchenworah@yahoo.com

Uche Nworah teaches Business and marketing at NewVic, London.