When I Grow Up: On Tafa Balogun Former Inspector-General Of Police, Nigeria Is Sick

By

Prince Charles Dickson

pcdbooks@yahoo.com

Jos, Plateau Nigeria  

It is not enough for gardeners to love flowers they must hate weeds- the annoying bass of a mosquitoes by the ear cannot be ignored.   This is one of the ‘craziest’ essays that I have had to write on this ‘thing called Nigeria, when I grow up I want to be a thief, and I want to steal in Nigeria, if I succeed in fulfilling this dream, I also would like to be a Governor or at least a government functionary, that way I never will be caught, I would steal enough to last generations of my family even to the twentieth one and they would not have to work, how much more suffer. However if I disobey the 11^th commandment “thou shall not be caught”. I can be rest assured of one form of immunity or the other.   If the government takes a strong exception to my case I probably would spend some couple of sixty something days in detention, I would feign being maltreated, fall from the car conveying me to and fro the court. I will stall trial, plead innocent initially, and then request for bail. Let us not forget because I have stolen enough money I would be able to afford solid lawyers and counsel and also pay news hounds that would make a PR stunt out of my every move to my benefit. I shall exploit the fact that everybody that is a leader in my country is a thief to the maximum and steals. So I would threaten to spill the beans…   After all this shakara I shall get a sentence of six months for stealing billions of Naira. Six months, just six months for impoverishing some millions of Nigerians, a few million in uniform claiming to be Policemen and women that were my collaborators in the chop I chop arrangement.   The sitting Judge would give me that six months sentence because I have been of good behaviour, because I have shown enough remorse and come to think of it I am a first time offender. I have stolen enough, returned enough too, and left with enough to guarantee me a lifetime of luxury after a mere six months of inconvenience.   Do not forget that I would have in the process of stealing acquired the best of cars, built heaven on earth as houses; I would have acquired chieftaincy titles from several poor communities for dashing few coins here and there. The same government that I stole from, the same government that we partnered in crime would have given me a national award. Wonders never will end in such a nation so why trade citizenship for another.   Tell me why won’t I be proud to be a Ni gerian when I grow up? I can piss on the main road, throw toiletries out of my window, and spit out of my car while driving…I can swear at another driver in my language and expect the person to smile at me or cause me back either way each of us would not understand each other if there happens to be an accident in the process rather than accept responsibility…you would hear the phrase “do you know whom I am” from one of us, especially the guilty person. Leave story this is just the periphery, I would be a Nigerian and grow up to be…because if I plan well I could be a President who was an ex-convict, who rigged an election and wants to turn the nation’s Presidency to life presidency or presidency by inheritance. I would rule by mistake, errors and hearsay from my party faithful. A beautiful nation to live in…   When I grow up I want to be a Nigerian because I will and can evade tax, climb electricity poles myself to reconnect power, I can get poor touts and area boys and dan whatever to cause havoc when I am loosing to my political opponents. I would not trade this ambition to be Nigerian and a thief for any other life. I love my nation because as a criminal I would be celebrated. Millions and billions allocated for projects would disappear just like a BIG plane disappeared and two SHIPS vamoosed and we shall with the stolen loot hold owambe parties with Sunny Ade, Oliver de Coke, fanta and Dan Maraya Jos playing and us spraying dollars and pounds to the jealousy of Bush and Blair.

I would proudly tell my fellow thieves in discuss that my kids are citizens of another country because we would have destroyed our own nation that we will know that it is unfit for our kids.   These days, strange things have been on the increase at, a per second rate, if a governor is not jumping bail, he is dressing up as a woman, or thanksgiving services would be held for the thieves. And the Senior Prefect refused to pass his WAEC and leave Aso Rock Secondary School. We would produce more crude oil and suffer fuel queue s, as I grow up we will share more of the cake than the baking like the proverbial elephant the meat can definitely go round but we will make sure it does not…why should the meat go round?  

How on earth the Tafa Balogun gets six months jail for his atrocities, what do we classify as good behaviour, show of remorse…? A man who stole billions on first attempt must be a Nigerian, which is why when I grow up…because no one bothers the effect this has on unemployed graduates whether half or fully baked as stolen wealth is not only brazenly displayed, but punishment ridiculous and trivialized. The equation then becomes the more I steal the less I will suffer the less I steal the more I will suffer, Nigerian “pytalooting theorem” (the theory of class looting).   The corruption we are fighting is strange, that is why a woman of 28 years is retired for having spent 35 years in service simply because she refused to…this happened in the Ministry of Health. When the plea bargain thing between EFCC and Tafa Balogun I knew some miracle was on the offing…and the EFCC sees this as an achievement, it is okay I guess you can see why it pays to be Nigerian.   In one full month we win a music award in far away Portugal, then a Governor engages the services of a costumier in Britain and before the catechist could finish benediction the governor is seen in his village having escaped the long hand of justice in London…   I certainly would grow up to be a Senate President that would require a N40 million car because the budget has made provisions and besides my car should not break down on the road. I would grow up in a nation with merged banks, probably Universities would have merged with Polytechnics or acquired State Universities. Why risk being a Londoner or Americana and bother about social security when I can steal direct from source and the best the law can do is give me six months.  

I would be a Tafa…reacting to the sentence said he would bounce back, he said bounce back three times; he said he will rise again.   We are sacking and employing at the same time, we can afford for the Police, teachers and doctors and then armed robbers would be on rampage, school teachers would graduate fools and patients left to their fate as a visit to Mallam Okoro the chemist would sell pirated or expired Panadol that was cleared at the Ports by Mazi Olusegun Abubakar.   What more could be fun, if not growing up to be…let me end this piece with sad humor, a family in Nigeria was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from U.S.A sent by their sister. The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mothers face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother’s chest, which read:   Dearest Brothers and Sisters, I am sending you our mother’s remains for burial there in Lagos. Sorry I could not come along as the expenses were so high. You wil find inside the coffin, under Mama’s body 12 cans of Libby’s corned-beef and 12 cans of Luncheon Meat. Just divide it among yourselves. On Mama’s feet is a brand new pair of Reeboks (size 8) for junior. There are four pairs of same type for Tunde’s sons.   Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts, one is for Omo, Roy and the rest are for my nephews. Mama is also wearing a dozen of wonder bra (Funke, your favourite), this should be distributed among my nieces and female cousins. Mama is also wearing six docker pants-Ikeja keep one and the rest are for the boys. Bawo the Swiss watch you asked for is one Mama’s left wrist. The Omega on her right wrist is for Papa.   Mama is also wearing the jewelry Aunty Ronke asked for-Roland Cartier earrings, ring and necklace. Also, the six pairs of channel stockings that Mama is wearing should be divided among Aunty Mabel, Bubemi and Papa’s younger sisters; I hope they like the colour. Mama is also putting on a head phone by her side is a Sony disc player for Kene and inside is the 50cents CD Yemi’s son asked for. The disc player is for Uncle Thomas, I hope he likes it. Your loving Sister Nene.   We are running the risk of neglecting the annoying bass of anomaly in our nation as our leaders are stealing us mad and saying it is an act of God and that they would bounce back…to spend the remaining part of the stolen money…Nigerians are not fools we will and soon revolt. Pretending to hate corruption yet breeding it will not take us anywhere; you do not corruption of Tafa’s magnitude six months massage. At this rate when our kids grow up we should not be scared of what we shall see, only Almighty Allah can save us from the new Hell he is constructing for Nigeria