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The Spectacular Launching Of Oloibiri Integrated Learning University (Oil U) By Eben Dokubo
After groping in broad daylight for over fifty years, Nigeria finally came to terms with reality and stopped the clock in order to place oil and gas on the pedestal it deserves. This happened recently during the Spectacular Lunching of Oloibiri Integrated Learning University (OIL U). The cradle of Nigeria’s oil-based economic prosperity, Oloibiri basked in the limelight as images of celebrities, business magnates, and media icons alighting from posh cars, sleek boats, and helicopters were beamed to a world-wide television and internet audience. There was a rare joint public appearance of the demure, yet astute and charismatic Umaru Musa Yar’Ardua, Nigeria’s president, and his inimitable, gregarious predecessor (now a student of divinity), Chief Olusegun Obasanjo.
On centre stage was the swash-buckling ex soldier, ex Head of State, and ex Petroleum Trust Fund Chairman, Muhammadu Buhari whose usual demeanor of a stiff upper lip gave way to a broad smile as he embraced Yar’ Ardua, Obasanjo, Atiku Abubakar, Melford Okilo, O. B. Lulu-Briggs, Anthony George Ikoli, Edwin Clark, Frank Opigo, Sam Amuka, Ledum Mitee, and OCJ Okocha. After pausing to acknowledge a crisp military salute from Emmanuel Ombu, he embraced Nwobidike Nwonodi, Nduka Obaigbena, Kashim Ibrahim Imam, Ferddy Ngogo Alabraba, Raymond Dokpesi, Edward Dandeson Spiff, Patrick Dele Cole, and the prayer warrior himself, Yakubu Gowon. The sweet scent of reconciliation wafted in from the surrounding creeks and masked momentarily, the odious breeze from polluted mangrove swamps.
As for Yar’Ardua, his shyness was supplanted by a warm glow as he hugged Condoleezza Rice who took the initiative and gave him a peck on both cheeks, Angela Merkel, Lynda Chalker, Adefemi Taire, Cecilia Ibru, Ayebaemi Spiff, and Ndi Okereke-Onyuike. He then hugged Beatrice Agama, Alanyingi Sylva, Tonia Omehia, Efe George-Etomi, Beyonce, Queen Latiffa, Alaere Alaibe, and Oprah Winfrey. He paused to exchange pleasantries with his course mate at ABU, Adeline Denni-Fiberesima, widow of the foremost honest public servant and authentic Ijaw hero, Dinma Denni-Fiberesima who resigned as Commissioner for Health rather than connive with a Military Governor to inflate his ministry’s budget and fleece the people of the Niger Delta.
Then came a breathtaking scene as the richest woman in the world, Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, her tiara dazzling, marched in majestically, flanked by two of the few quintessential gentlemen in Nigeria who can be trusted with a charming lady and crown jewels, Gamaliel Onosode and Babagana Kingibe.
The establishment of Oloibiri Integrated Learning University, OIL U, is a master stroke for breaking the logjam in the Niger Delta. This collaborative effort has brought together the Federal and State governments, oil giants and minnows, beneficiary countries of Nigeria’s oil and gas, and the longsuffering people of the Niger Delta. OIL U is based on a hands-on modular and integrated collegiate system of learning which doubles as a catalyst for provision of modern infrastructure and services in the impoverished Niger Delta. With the main campus located in the Ogbia heartland, other campuses will be sited at Bane, Umuechem, Rukpokwu, Tebu, Ughelli, Brass Island, Joinkrama, Akwete, Eket, Ekeremor, Gbukuma, Lobia, Ebebit Afaha-Obong, Itigidi, Igbrekebo, Oben, Owaza , Oguta and Opobo. As the audience cheered, President Yar’Ardua signed the Charter establishing the university. Vice President Goodluck Jonathan signed as a witness before the certificate was handed over to Professor Ebiegberi J. Alagoa. The president in exercise of his unassailable statutory powers then directed the Petroleum Development Trust Fund, and the NNPC to release the sum of fifty million US dollars each for the immediate take off of OIL U.
Each location of OIL U automatically becomes a RapidDevelopment Hub, complete with potable water, modern sewage and garbage disposal systems, a hospital equipped with ultrasound, ECG, dialysis, x-ray, and CT Scan machines, Trauma Centre, and Burn Centre. Each will also have a Fire Station, parks, horticultural gardens, and modern Prep schools. In addition, there are the numerous infrastructures of the university. Each campus of OIL U will establish and run a large scale agricultural unit for farming and capture fishing, (not necessarily at the same location) which will, provide training facilities for farmers and fishermen and also produce enough food for the entire locality. Consequently, thousands of meaningful jobs will be created instantly in all of these Rapid Development Hubs each of which spans a thirty-mile radius. This fits in snugly into the Niger Delta Master Plan which sprung from detailed professionally conducted baseline studies and already endorsed by the Federal Government and all nine member states of the Niger Delta Development Commission. Thanks to modern technology, they will be linked to each other through satellite and the internet in addition to standard road and water transportation networks.
The keynote address was presented by Yar’Ardua who noted that companies are in business to make profit, and having paid taxes as required by law, find it difficult to provide amenities for their host communities as that would amount to double taxation. Consequently, he announced a Direct Tax Synchronization policy under which every kobo spent by corporate bodies to provide infrastructural and social amenities at the Rapid Development Hubs and the OIL U will be deducted from their tax bill. Almost all the quoted companies fell over themselves in a bid to announce their contribution to OIL U, not because of any altruistic motive, but to significantly enhance their profit margin and positive image in their operating environment. As cheers echoed from the crowd, Chukwuma Charles Soludo grabbed the microphone, and in his broadcast-quality voice announced that all banks should transfer to the Central Bank the funds in all accounts that have been dormant for over five years. Some of the banking gurus at the event were startled and began to send frantic text messages to their managers. One hundred billion naira out of the funds will be used to bankroll the agricultural programme of the OIL U project. The loan from the Dormant Accounts Fund will have a fifteen year moratorium. The emancipation of the Niger Delta has commenced in earnest.
A long list of required items was snapped up in no time by the multitude of corporate bodies and individuals present at the launching. To ensure a premium faculty-student ratio at OIL U, an initial 500 faculty members will be engaged. First Bank, Union Bank, UBA, Zenith Bank, Oceanic Bank, Standard Chartered Bank, Coca Cola, Julius Berger, Peugeot, Toyota, Unilever, Cadbury, Nigerian Breweries, Guinness, Total, Shell, Agip, Chevron, Monipulo, MTN, Celtel, Globacom, and Transcorp agreed to underwrite the salaries and emoluments of at least ten academic staff each for the first five years of the university All oil companies and banks with a turnover of over one billion naira in the last year agreed to form a consortium which will bankroll the salaries and emoluments of the remaining faculty and staff.
Queen Beatrix acknowledged that her emergence as the richest woman in the world was mainly due to the perpetual windfall from the Niger Delta which accrued to the Netherlands, thanks to the over half a century of Shell’s operations. “I hereby undertake to transfer to the people of Nigeria, the technology, equipment, and wherewithal needed to reclaim the entire Niger Delta and transform same into a world-class habitat. My country was a vast marshland situated below sea level prior to its development into an impressive maze of modern cities,” The uproar and cheers that greeted the speech were drowned only by the roar from the engines of the helicopter as she took her leave.
Putting together this monumental gathering posed what looked like an insurmountable logistics nightmare, but somehow, everything went smoothly, with just a few ruffled egos. That was until the parade, a variety show of sorts, featuring a March past, floats, and cultural displays from the different Rapid Development Hubs, was staged. First in line were about ten thousand graduands of NDDC skills acquisition programmes to demonstrate that there was enough trained manpower to execute the spinoff of multiple road, housing, water supply, and electricity projects that will soon commence in the Rapid Development Hubs. The suave boyish faced trio of Sam Edem, Timi Alaibe, and Atei Beredugo carrying the national flag, NDDC flag, and OIL U flag with one hand, and twirling a baton with the other demonstrated that beyond their intellect, talent, and consuming passion for the Niger Delta, and Nigeria, they are ambidextrous and quick on their feet. This display was choreographed by Iniruo Wills, Ekpein Appah, Pattersen Ogon, and Youpele Banigo. The crowd cheered as they took a bow.
Next in line in the March past was a collection men and women brandishing enviable academic training, and solid personal achievements in various spheres of life . They served on the Central Organizing Committee, and were now performing on stage in an impromptu jamming session. First to file out were Diezani Allison Madueke, Gloria Izonfuo, Bolere Ketebu Nwkeafor, Ibiere Akpana, Victoria Akpomudje, Maryam Isoun and Ebiere Odu. They were soon joined by Anne Kio Briggs, Ezibator Egirani, Christy Mato, Theresa Mberekpe Ajuluchukwu, Sele Eradiri, Akpezi Ogbuigwe and Ebimie Okara. They were all resplendent in colourful attires, weaving a surreal tapestry of homogeneity in diversity as they mingled with the teeming crowd. The Niger Delta has never had it so good.
Equally captivating were the men, who included Telimoye Ogwara, Blessing Didia, Numoipre Wills, Oronto Douglas, Vincent Idemiyor, Zubi Nwuke, Igis Orubo, and Nimi Briggs. Others were Eric Aworahbi, Ebi Awotua Efebo, Anthony Youdouwei, Ralph Doneh, Sunny Dikeh, Lawrence F. Jumbo, Steve Odiowei, and Bola Aganaba. There was ecstasy in the crowd as these fine gentlemen danced to the rhythm of a sing-song led by the women and the refrain from the crowd.
Without warning, the hitherto boisterous crowd went into a near stampede at the sight of an endless stream of young and not so young unemployed graduates, the men clad only in sagging trousers (topless), and the women sporting only T-shirts (bottomless), chanting This is our story, this is our song, Searching for good jobs, all the day long, This is our story, this is our song, Searching for good jobs, all the day long ! (to the tune of the refrain from the hymn Blessed Assurance). They strolled into the venue and devoured the crumbs and leftovers.
Suddenly, from the public address system a familiar voice announced “Eben, change your position; Eben change your position”. Since I sat with legs astride, I quickly checked to ensure that there was no wardrobe malfunction, not in front of this exalted crowd. I seemed to be okay, but then the voice echoed again, ‘Eben, lie down properly,… you are snoring’ It was of course, a voice I can recognize in any pitch, scale, tempo, or octave, the voice of my wife, Ibidun. Startled, I woke up from sleep and this vivid dream.
If only she had not roused me from sleep, I would have watched Beyonce and Queen Latiffa belt out a duet. I would have heard what contributions the United States, UK, Germany, Japan, Italy, Spain, China, and others who have reaped so much from Nigeria’s oil and gas would make towards making OIL U a reality. I could have listened to Oprah share with Nigerians, the joy of fulfillment after she spent millions of dollars to establish a school for our indigent sisters in South Africa. I could have heard the commitment of the Niger Delta governors to connect their spokes to the Rapid Development Hubs and create meaningful jobs all over the place.
The OIL U is a convoluted metaphor of the Niger Delta. It is a lofty dream and can be actualized if there is the will.
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