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Marriage and its Problems in Nigeria By Hauwa Djauro
Marriage is one factors that is considered in Nigeria when describing who is a responsible member of a society and who is not. More often than not some individuals are denied certain responsibilities, not because they are not qualified or capable of handling such responsibilities but because they are not considered matured enough for that. Not matured in the sense of not been married.
In Nigeria’s north, bachelors who are seen to be capable of been married are not often allowed to lead people who are married in prayers. This does not mean that God does not accept their prayers, but that they lack the credibility of leading such prayers.
In family decision-making, people who are married are given more say than does that are not. Some one is respected for the mare fact that he or she is said to be married.
In spite of the above-mentioned advantages of marriage and many others not mentioned, we still have a great deal of divorces in our societies. If you go to any of our local courts, most of the cases you hear are those associated with marriage. One begins to wander what has gone wrong with this most respected social institution.
The celebration with which a woman is taken to her matrimonial home seems to indicate that the marry making will leave with her forever. But within few couple of years, the happiness becomes a different thing else.
The reason for this ugly phenomenon is not far fetched. Its ranges from economic problems to that of misunderstanding from both parties or rather the activities of some mischievous member of the society in which they leave.
Materialism is one factor that leads to the break down of marriages. This is more so because, when a man is seeking the hand of a woman in marriage, he pretends a lot. He claims he owns or can do what he knows he is not capable of doing. And the women who are so much inclined to marrying only the well to do individuals hardly investigate the claims by these suitors, there by landing themselves in homes that are far from their imaginations and dreams. This becomes the beginning of their life long problems. The men on their side believe that since the marriage have been concluded, there is nothing she can do about it rather than to exercise patience. But far from that, the woman will deliberately want to frustrate him by refusing to do what is expected of her as a wife and the end result of all been divorce. And she goes back to square one.
Similarly, men are of the habit of looking for girls that are from a well to do family not minding the other side of the woman. As soon as they are settling into their matrimonial home, they fine it difficult to coup with the attitude of these women, who may probably be spoiled children or may want to dominate them and make them what the Hausa man calls mijin hajiya meaning the dominated husband.
The second factor that leads to failure in marriage is the influence of parents on the lives of their children. Even though we have mentioned earlier that a married member of a society is considered one that is capable of taking the right decision and a responsible member of the society. Some controversial parents do not seem to understand that married couples have their lives to leave and decision the make concerning what affects their lives. These parents try to interfere into their children’s lives that finally puts the couples in confusion as to who to listen to when the ideas contradicts one another. It is more common if from the beginning the parents were not comfortable with the marriage. It has unfortunately become a common thing in Nigeria that when parents especially women are advising their daughters on how to leave in their matrimonial homes, the first thing you hear them say is that: Na miji ba zanin goyo ba ne meaning, a man is some one who you give hundred percent of your heard to. From this point the women goes into her blessed home with such negative notion. As soon as a littlie problems-which is part of any social life- emerges, her point of reference become the above statement instead of patience and understanding.
On the side of the man, when it is discovered that a man is giving his entire love, care and concern to his wife, as she deserves, his parents interpret that to mean he has been giving ‘love portion’ or have been ‘charmed’. But what is wrong with when a woman charms her husband with her love, care, concern and responsible attitude? Does she not deserve to get the same?
Another problem that is a stumbling block to a successful marriage life is when the marriage was not concluded base on mutual understanding of both parties. For example, if one of the couple was compelled to accepting the marriage either by parents or other ungodly means. This tends to manifest in their day-to-day living and finally leads to separation.
Third parties in marriage could also help in either the success or failure in matrimonial homes. Third party here is suggested to mean people living around couples. For example, a situation where a husbands gathers a great number of family members around him instead of giving them the necessary things that could enable them start up their own lives and take their future into their own hands, and aspects his wife to become more or less a house maid in trying to satisfy the teaming number of people, who more often then not cannot be satisfied hundred percent. We must know that among them are mischievous ones who are never comfortable with seeing positive things happen, but will do everything humanly possible to disrupt the peaceful coexistence that prevails a marriage.
We must also know that women need hundred percent love, care, concern and attention. I assure you that you cannot share the same love with your close ones. That does not mean you should neglect your family members, but you must know that they have their own lives to live and must not serve as problem to yours. This phenomenon is more common with problematic mothers who live with their sons.
Some women deceive themselves by thinking that they are too beautiful that even if they are divorced, other suitors will still admire them. The truth here is that even if you are as beautiful as the gold, once you are out of your first matrimonial home you are a ‘second hand woman.’ This is the truth whether we like it or not.
Some men hide under the pretext that they have every right to divorce their wives and marry others. We must make it clear that despite the fact that God has given some people rights to divorce but there is nothing the almighty hates like divorce. It has been reported that the kingdom of the almighty shakes when divorce is mentioned. That is as far as the Muslim faith is concern. In the Christian faith, divorce is something that is not permitted, except in some exceptional cases. A man is expected to leave with his wife for their entire lifetime.
The effects of divorce are not far fetched. One of which is a broken home. To day we are full of experiences of how broken home, as a result of divorce have ruin the future of many potential youths. More often than not leading them to different kinds of immoral behavours, among them commercial sexual practices from the side of the female ones, thereby exposes them to the dreaded HIV/AIDS disease or unwanted pregnancy.
Most boys from broken homes find armed robbery as the only way of sustaining themselves, as their parents will more often than not abandon their responsibilities. We must mention that an individual problem according to sociologist inevitably becomes a societal problem. This assertion can be accepted because the immoral behaviour of an armed robber ends up on innocent members of the society. This is why we must collectively stand up against divorce if we really want to tackle poverty as stipulated by the millennium Development Goals (MDG) of 2015.
Women must shun the attitude of materialism. This is because it does not favour them. I was in a bus, a group of young men were arguing as to what are basic things you need to give a woman to win her over? One answer that was common and that made me feel ashamed of my self is that you have to lie to a woman for her to love you. We have to proof them wrong!
Parents on their side should learn to allow their children decide whom they want to leave their lives with and how they want to leave. Gone are the days when parents were seeing to exercising absolute control on their children. So also family members should be friends in progress rather than enemies of progress.
Hauwa Djauro Department of Mass Communication University of Maiduguri |