Just Let It Go

Just Let It Go!

Bala Muhammad

This week has been very stressful. As every so often we dutifully fall sick, I dutifully fell sick. And like almost every Nigerian, without undergoing any lab tests I personally diagnosed myself to be suffering from the Combined Honours of Typhoid and Malaria. So off to my Doctor I went (he of the Take-Up-Golf advice), and matter-of-factly asked for typhoid and malaria drugs. He took one look at me and said: ‘Yes, you have Combined Honours, but not Nigeria’s of Typhoid and Malaria, but Life’s Combined Honours called Stress and Burnout. You are just stressed. Just let it go.’

Recounting events of the week, I realised it had been quite heavy in the stress department. For example, every morning for the past several days the children had been asking me about the educational toys and games I said I had bought for them while in Saudi Arabia. I had to answer every blessed morning that my luggage, and that of many other pilgrims, has not arrived! They would ask every morning, and I would have had to answer every time. The other day I red-facedly nearly screamed the answer back at them, poor kids. Now when they want to ask, they first look at me, open their mouths to speak, stop short and chorus ‘luggage hasn’t arrived yet’! Nice one, fathers don’t lie!

Then I went out of town. Same day, I received a frantic call from my wife at three in the morning: the generator was on fire, and I, Superman, was out of town, 400 kilometres away! Were that I could fly back and zap the flames. Couldn’t. So Superwoman did what she had to do, and we were lucky this time, alhamdu lillah. Next day when I received another call from my wife, I feared for another mishap. No, it was the homework. One of the kids wanted to know the names of two useful insects. She had offered bees and silkworm; the boy said not those ones, as they had been treated in class. What of ladybird and butterfly? Not those ones either. She had given up and called me to help out. Two insects? Try Typhoid and Malaria. Or Stress and Burnout.

Luggage. Travel. Fire. Homework. Typhoid. Malaria. Silkworm. Ladybird. Stress. Burnout. More troubles. I had held it all in. I had not hanged it anywhere else. I realised I would have to let it all go, and relax. Looking back at how I reacted to the children’s queries of games and toys, I realised I could have handled it better. Using the 10/90 principle of action and consequences for survive in a mad world. The following offerings are mostly from www.ezsoftech.com and www.karinya.com.

“Ten percent of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react. What does this mean? We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us [as in Saudi luggage not arriving, or the failure of a country with a $54b free reserve to eradicate typhoid and malaria]. We cannot stop the car from breaking down. Another driver may cut us off in traffic. We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%. How? By your reaction.

“Let’s use an example. You are at breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened. What happens next will be determined by how you react.

“You curse. You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticise her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the school bus.

“Your spouse, who also works, must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you exceed the speed limit. You are pulled over. You get a 15-minute delay and lose $60 in a traffic fine. Finally, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye. She is late, and she is angry with you. After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terribly. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home.

“When you arrive home, you find small wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter. Why? Because of how you reacted in the morning. Why did you have a bad day? Did the coffee cause it? No! Did your daughter cause it? No! Did the policeman cause it? No! Did you cause it? Yes! You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day. Here is what could have and should have happened:

“Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, ‘It’s OK honey, you just need to be more careful next time’. Grabbing a towel, you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having.”

That’s why, when a man said to the Noble Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him): ‘Counsel me,’ the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: ‘Do not get angry.’ The man repeated his request many times, but the Prophet (peace be upon him) kept saying: ‘Do not get angry.’

And again, learn to let go. As elucidated in the following:

“A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, 'How much do you think this glass weighs?' '50 gms!'... '100 gms!'... '125 gms' ... the students answered. 'I really don't know unless I weigh it,' said the professor, 'but, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?' 'Nothing' the students said.

“’OK! What would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?' the professor asked. 'Your arm would begin to ache', said one of the students. 'You are right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?' 'Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress and paralysis and have to go to hospital for sure!' ventured another student; and all the students laughed. 'Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?' asked the professor. 'No'

'Then what caused the arm ache and the muscle stress?' The students were puzzled. 'Put the glass down!' said one of the students. 'Exactly!' said the professor. 'Life's problems are something like this. Hold it for a few minutes in your head and they seem okay. Think of them for a long time and they begin to ache. Hold it even longer and they begin to paralyse you. You will not be able to do anything'.”

That is why contentment is almost always linked to happiness. As shared in this take:

“Some time ago, there lived a King who should have been contented with his life, given all the riches and luxuries he had. However, this was not the case! The King always found himself wondering why he just never seemed content with his life. Sure, he had the attention of everyone wherever he went, but somehow he still felt something was lacking and he couldn't put his finger on it.

“One day, the King had woken up earlier than usual to stroll around his palace. He entered his huge living room and came to a stop when he heard someone happily singing away. Following the singing, the King saw that it was one of the servants who was singing, and had a very contented look on his face. This fascinated the King and he summoned this man to his chambers.

“The man entered the King's chambers as ordered. The King asked why he was so happy. To this the man replied: ‘Your Majesty, I am nothing but a servant, but I make enough of a living to keep my wife and children happy. We don't need too much; a roof over our heads and warm food to fill our tummy. My wife and children are my inspiration; they are content with whatever little I bring home. I am happy because my family is happy." The servant had let it go. He had put the glass down. He sang it away. The King hadn’t.

Let us finally hear about the Carpenter and his Trouble Tree:

“The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His face was all smiles and he hugged his children and gave his wife a kiss.

“Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. ‘Oh, that's my trouble tree,’ he replied. ‘I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again. The funny thing is,’ he smiled, ‘when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before’."

Do you have a Trouble Tree you can hang your problems on?

My wife has a Trouble Tree to hang all her problems on: Me. The other day, thoroughly fatigued, tired, burnt out and stressed after moving house and entertaining several guests and managing a rowdy crowd of children, realised she had to go to work very early the next morning. She plainly didn’t want to go. So she said, without addressing anyone in particular, but loud enough for me to hear as the only member of her audience: “If someone would pay my salary, wallahi I would quit my work. It is too stressful a life.” Who? Me?